the last of the hills

kinda like the last of the mohicans, but for me, it's the hills (my family name).
more bad news to spill on the blog. my grandmother passed away last thursday, feb. 2nd.
i was in ny starting a new job (had only been there 4 days) when i got the call from the sweet doctor in the ER. you see, i'm the only living relative my grandma had, since my father and my uncle both passed away. so i was deemed my grandma's durable power of attorney and had to consult with her to make her medical decisions.

i had just spent time with her over xmas break three weeks earlier. she seemed to be in good health and i thought she'd be around a lot longer. i heard that she'd been in the hospital a week after i left but not to be alarmed, that everything was fine. but when i got this call, the doctor was perfectly frank and told me that it didn't look good this time. i asked him if he thought i should fly out to california and he said if it was his grandmother and he wanted to say goodbye, he would get on a plane. those words brought tears to my eyes and i thanked him. that instant, i checked with my supervisor at my new job and told her the news. she was very understanding and told me to do what i had to do. the next minute i was researching flights online to come out that night.

the whole thing had a very deja vu quality. hadn't i just done this 2 years ago with my father's death? hadn't i received the phone call to fly out to california a few weeks after i'd been with him over xmas? it was surreal, but i went into "get everything done to get out there" mode and soon enough, i was in my apartment, packing a suitcase. i had no idea how long i would be out there and if she might actually get better, but i packed my black dress, just in case. what an awful feeling to have to think of that.

i made it out after bumpy flight on jetblue. debbie, my step mom, picked me up from the airport late that night and when i heard that my grandma was in stable condition, we decided to sleep that night and go to the hospital in the morning. i was worried that my grandma would be upset if i showed up, that she would know it was the end and that i was coming to say goodbye (what an awkward position). but when i got to the room she was more than pleased to see me and that eased my worry. she was pretty out of it, but we held hands and she said to me "we had some good times together, didn't we?" that brought tears to my eyes, but i told her yes, of course we did. she said some more ramblings while i sat with her. she didn't look good to me and i had a bad feeling that it was her time. i tried to get some answers as to what was going on from the doctors but it was difficult. stupid doctors.

she seemed to be in a lot of pain, and i told the nurses that i just wanted her to be comfortable. so they gave her dilaudid (super strong shit) and she was out. we left for the night. i came back the next morning. just me. she was stil pretty out of it, but in so much pain. it broke my heart to see her that way. she hadn't eaten a thing and tried feeding her but she just didn't want to eat. i was bugging out, thinking to myself that we come into this world helpless as babies and when you live a long life, you leave helpless as well. i hated that thought. but at the same time i was happy to have been there to help her. i never thought i would be good with helping a sick person, that i'd be squeemish and uncomfortable with the situation. but i surprised myself. i actually did well with my other grandma who passed and this was no exception. i just go into that taking care of business to get to it.

that day was her last but i didn't know it was coming. not totally. my grandmother had always had this amazing ability to bounce back from horrible injuries and illnesses. she's had more than nine lives if you ask me. but i think she was ready. as i sat there, she mentioned that she just wanted to die. i hated hearing that, but i knew she would be better off leaving us. she was just so weak and in so much pain and she was 86 years old. she'd lived more than a full life and with her sons gone, she truly was miserable. it was 4pm and i was starving, so decided to run down to the cafeteria to eat. i left my number with the nurses in case anything happened. as i sat down there, i got the call. they told me her heart was slowing down and that i should come up.

i hurried up to the room. her eyes were closed and she was gasping for her last breaths. awful to watch. just awful. i sat next to her and held her freezing cold hand, just waiting. i didn't expect that moment to come so fast but i had a gut feeling she was ready to go. the nurse came in and asked me if i wanted a DNR (do not recessitate) and i said yes. it wasn't something i had to think about. i just knew that's what she would want. coming back to health after this ordeal was just not in the cards and she told me herself she was ready. the nurse left me with her as i watched her last two breaths escape her frail body. i'll never forget that moment.

i still don't quite have the proper words to describe the feeling of watching my grandmother die, of being in the presence of that powerful moment. i can honestly say that i now believe and have witnessed the soul leave the body. it really does. one moment she was there, the next she wasn't. there was pain and then there was peace. it was strangley beautiful. just me and my grandmother. she would have wanted it that way and i was so happy to have been the one holding her hand and she left. the nurse came in and unhooked her from the tubes and machines. she checked her heart and said it had stopped. she told me to spend as much time as i wanted to grieve.

as i sat there with my grandmother's body, i tried to think of something profound to say or do. but i knew she wasn't there and i felt awkward sitting with a dead body and talking to it. it wasn't her anymore. she was already gone. i brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead, told i loved her in her ear, but it felt so forced. like something i'd seen in a movie. i had already said goodbye while she was here and she knew i loved her. so that was it. she was already somewhere else and i had nothing else to say or do with her shell. her soul that was attached to her body was gone.

i feel lucky to have been there when she passed. yes, it was a difficult situation but in all honesty, it happened the best way it could have. she lived out her life totally independent. she never had to live in a nursing home, which was the worst thought in the world to her. i, her only living relative was there for her and part of me thinks she waited to go until i was there. that makes me feel pretty damn good. no regrets.

almost a week later, i'm still in fallbrook dealing with the arrangements and such. it hasn't been fun, it never is. like i said before, total deja vu. it's brought a lot of the emotions i had with my father's death back. and in a weird way, i've been able to deal with that more this time around. his death was such a shock and i had no where to put those feelings. now, doing the same things, i can see it in a clearer perspective, if that makes sense. i've sort of come full circle. and this time, i know what has to be done. we're having a celebration of her life this weekend, so until then i have plenty to do. thank god for the wonderful ladies in my life (mom, barb, deb) who all help. and my dear friends who provide amazing support. i'm a lucky girl. i've dealt with so much crazy shit in the last few months, all i can think is that it can only get better from here.