seriously grieving

i've been waiting a while to write here about what's been going on with me for the last week and a half. i wanted to write some profound something about what i've learned and discovered but it's a little too personal to go into it all on the internet i feel. i think i'll save those thoughts for my written journal. i think most of whoever is reading this knows anyway, but in case you don't here's what happened...
my father died friday, january 16th.

it was completely unexpected and thus, very shocking. i found out on a cell phone, while in a movie theater by myself in new york. my apartment had no heat, so i went to the movies to get warm. when i got out i had an urgent message from my mom telling me to call. when she asked where i was, i told her and she said she didn't want to tell me there. i made her tell me anyway, because i had a feeling it was bad and wanted to know. i sat there on a bench to myself on the 7th floor of the theater on 3rd ave, while the sun set over the manhattan skyline behind me as my mother told me that my father had passed away that day. tears instantly poured out of my eyes and i couldn't understand how or why. and i really didn't know what to do. i remember i just kept asking "what should i do, what should i do?" she told me i should call vicki and take a cab to her office. said i needed to be with someone. i did and vic told me to come over right away.

catching a cab seemed to take forever. it was freezing outside, but i was numb to it. no cab would come. i just stood there in the middle of 3rd, arm half raised, tears streaming down and i tried my best to hail someone, anyone. finally got one, and continued to cry. it was the most intense crying i think i may have ever experienced. big painful sobbing, blubbering, bawling all the way through the rush hour traffic up to 29th st. jessica called me on the way and i blurted out what was happening. guess the cabbie figured out why his passenger was freaking out so bad after that.

when i got to vic's office, she was amazing. i walked out of the elevator and she was waiting for me with a glass of water and an anti-anxiety pill. she hugged me and made me tea. she had a list of the plan of attack written down and had already started looking for flights. so so sweet, i couldn't believe it. i made my phone calls. first to my grandma who was so so so upset. i was trying to get answers to what had happened and it was still unsure at that point. i told my grandma that i was coming home the next day to be with her and i could tell she felt good about that. so hard to talk to her then. all i could think was that the poor woman just lost both of her sons. out-living your two children! oh god!!
then i thought of debbie (my dad's partner). she had literally just lost her sister in november! i called her next and talked to her friend that was with her. she couldn't speak to me. i just heard wailing in the background. it was horrible.

vic took me down to my apt to help me pack. then back up to her apt that had heat. jessica was meeting us there with food. when i got to her place, i had to puke. i just felt so ill. hadn't eaten much all day and then this. it was bizarre. ate a little, tried to watch a movie, then called amy who's reaction was mind-blowing. as soon as i told her she began wailing too. "oh MEGAN!" she cried. she took it so much worse than i thought she would. i think because she sensed how upset i was. that girl really is like a sister to me!

i got on the plane the next morning, thanking vic and jess profusely before i left. they were so great and were very comforting. more blubbering on the plane. interestingly enough, none of the flight staff even noticed. i thought sure i'd have to explain myself to someone, but no. seems like the only one who noticed was a the french teenager sitting across from me. i think he thought i was a real loon.

my mother picked me up and more crying. she was holding it together for me i think. but the real sadness started when i got to my dad's house where everyone had gathered. oh god, i don't even want to think about how awful that was. everyone just sobbing uncontrollably. apparently, my dad had a respitory arrest. they found him where he was taking a breathing treatment (he had more health problems than he ever told me apparently). they think he was having trouble breathing, tried the treatment and then possibly had a heart attack in the middle of that. whatever it was, it was quick and that's the only saving grace in this whole situation. that it happened fast. i know my dad would have never put up with a long drawn out death. so in a way, it is a blessing. i was just expecting him to be around a lot longer.

being the only child is another interesting aspect to this whole situation. pretty much everything has come down on me... dealing with losing my father, taking care of calling people, meeting with lawyers, making arrangements, comforting my grandma and deb, the whole thing. luckily i have an amazing support system and debbie and my mom and aunt have been great. but it's just so much logistical stuff to deal with, that you don't even think about. i mean, all you really want to do is grieve, but instead you have to write obituaries and answer his phone messages left on his machine and go to the mortuary to get death certificates and go to banks to close accounts, etc, etc. it's just too much.

over a week has passed since this has been going on and i feel like the days are just dragging. last week literally feels like one of the longest weeks ever. just completely emotionally draining. i'm feeling ok now and i can't quite decide if i'm still in denial that it's happened or if i've just been too busy to think about it. probably a little of both.

without getting too seriously into my feelings about this, it's suffice to say that i have learned something very important... that friendships mean everything and after something like this, i really really know who my true friends are. i mean people came out of nowhere, telling me the nicest things, sending their sympathies, offering to help in any way they could, or just listening. even some of my new friends in NY have been amazingly sweet, simply saying they are thinking about me. i feel honored to have such a fantastic support system and truly great people in my life. simultaneously, you learn who you don't need in your life, when they are so self absorbed, they offer you nothing. people get weird in times of death i suppose. but jesus christ. all you need to do is listen and say "i'm sorry." that's it. it's not that hard.

we had a military memorial service for my dad yesterday. another intense event. i wasn't expecting it to be so military-ish, but it honestly was nice. he finally got the recognition and honor he deserved for serving in the viet nam war. maybe i'll save that for another entry. i'm here for at least another week, so i'm sure i'll share more when i feel the urge to write.
all i know is that i miss my daddy-o terribly and can't believe i will never see him or speak to him again and that just breaks my little heart. love you na.

BBBBRRRRRRRRRRR

ok, i just checked NY1 it's 16 degrees outside and almost as cold inside my apartment. i'm FREEZING. fuck you landlord! where is our goddamn HEAT???
i swear, i was just watching the news the other day seeing all these poor people in dumps with no heat, standing around the oven trying to stay warm. i just thought, "jesus, how awful. how are they dealing?" and literally the next day, it happens HERE! apparently the boiler is broken (the so-called new boiler they just fixed last month). but how long does it take to fix a fucking boiler?? we're so cold. i've got a little space heater sitting next to my computer which is doing an ok job. but my fingers are going numb as i type...but i've got to work. i have projects due.

we're now on day 2 of this. yesterday i attempted to take my new laptop to starbucks to work. i was under the impression that if you had an airport card in your computer, you could go to starbucks and get online. would have never gone to starfucks if that weren't the case (there are far more cuter little cafes in the neighborhood i would have rather gone). anyhow, i get there, buy my latte so i feel justified to sit in there, and set up shop. when i click to go online, i'm prompted by some t-mobile hotspot bullshit where i have to PAY to use the internet. i was so pissed. i didn't get it. i though you just go there and get online, no questions asked. so i asked the nice guy next to me with his laptop who was obviously online. "hey dude, what gives with paying for internet here?" "yeah, i know," he replies "i just shelled out $10 bucks to be online here. my heater is busted and i gotta work." HA!! same boat. i had to work and send emails too and i had trekked through the snow to get there and bought my damn latte... so i paid $6 for an hour online session. bastards. is anything in this world FREE??? fuck you starbucks.

NYE slideshow

if you want to see the pics from the NYE adventures in Joshua Tree, click here.
there are two (pretty sizeable) slideshows. one of NYE night and one of the days after. both songs were chosen for obvious reasons.
"hey ya" was our midnight theme song of the year. and if you can't figure out the other song...well...DUH.
ENJOY!

re-assessments

thanks to those of you who were so supportive during my little weekend fiasco. it was tough, but i made it though. just give it a couple days to settle, and things just get better. don't you just love that about life? and the more i think about, the more i realize it happened for a reason. i learned a few things about myself and where i am right now... and that's it's probably a good time to change a few things. like getting so wasted. it's really not a trend, but i feel a bit of a self destructive phase upon me (not that my self destructiveness has ever been that craaazy, but still). wanna gave a good bit of insight. she said that she felt herself going into those phases when she felt like she was entering into a bad pattern. one of those life patterns that we try to avoid, but inevitably end up getting into.
with this situation, it was being into a guy that was coming out of a serious relationship...AGAIN. enough already. i knew it was a bad idea...i saw the red flag, but i chose to go for it and started to really like the guy. sure enough, i learned my lesson, after one of the weirdest drama nights of my life, but still. it was hard getting to that conclusion, but i found what i needed to know in the end.

i feel so so much better today. i've learned that instead of stepping back before acting, to look within once i've already acted (again...thanks wanna!). i'm gonna do dumb stuff from time to time. no matter how much we think we're in control, shit still happens. and when it does, it's good to question why. this life is tough, but we always make it through. thank god for the old light at the end of the tunnel and those clouds with silver linings.

sorta back on track...sorta

sorry it's been so long. my travels and coming home to a huge amount of work has stiffled the blogging.
lots to tell, but can't quite get the steam going to write it all out. i'll give a semi-shot though.
had a fantastic trip in LA and fallbrook. xmas was nice, good to see the fam, so good to see the friends. made me really miss everyone but glad to know they are there and they love me. i love them too.

got home to freezing NY. nice to be back to the apartment, but i've hardly left the place, having piles of work to complete. still working on one website (due this week) and had a presentation thingie for the peeps in philly on friday. almost too much to handle, but it's all getting done. pats on the back.

the weekend was filled with the biggest drama of 2004 thus far and i pray that it doesn't get any worse for the rest of the year. i can't really get into the personal sorted details of what went down, but it involved getting way too drunk, making a complete ass of myself and inadvertently, screwing up some relationships. all day yesterday i hated myself. lots of tears were shed and it was time for a little self reflection. i still am not quite sure why i did what i did. i want to blame the booze, but it may have been something deeper. working on it.

all i know, is that i've got to lay off getting that drunk. it gives me poor judgement and makes me do things i wouldn't normally do.
i don't know if it's being in NY and thinking i can handle that much booze or if i'm just having a drunk phase or if i'm being self destructive for some reason.
whatever it is, i know i have to take a step back and think about my actions before i act.
new years resolution #1.

let love rule

upon entry into 29 palms, where 7 of us decided to spend out new year's eve and new year's day, i saw the sign to the harmony motel which read "LET LOVE RULE." it was totally fitting and i was excited to stay there. wanna had been once before and thought it would be perfect for our little new year gathering. a pretty random group was formed for the occassion...me, amy, wanna, sara, mark, gotton (our new japanese friend visiting from tokyo), and dj superstar j-logic (total surprise, but so stoked to have him with us). we rented the cabin which was its own separate place away from the rest of the motel. jeffrey, the motel owner greeted me when i arrived (i got there first, driving up from san diego). i could tell he was a super cool dude. he ran the place himself and there were all these groovy zenned out rock sculptures and subtle rock garden touches, complete with corragated steel and found wood fences around the pool and hot tub. the cabin was very modest, but was perfect for our needs. i was excited.
the rest of the crew showed up with tons of booze and food and we started the party right away. wanna concocted her traditional filipino new years stew and the booze guzzling was on. not sure how, but i got super tipsy early on and apparently everyone else was eager to catch up with me since i was in such high spirits. sara (bless her heart) set up the ipod and her fatty speakers and we partied into the new year in a majoy way. midnight rolled around, we all stepped outside to pull our party poppers and light our sparklers and pour our champagne. jeffrey joined us, along with a couple of wanna friends who showed up as well. outkast's "hey ya" was the midnight theme song and the dance party was on. it was so so so fun bouncing around and being dorks. a few minutes later, wanna pulled out the e and she talked sara and i into taking them. oh shit!

craziness ensued. i vaguely remember freakin with jeffrey the motel owner. sara said i was saying bullshit like "i feel soooo damn good right now." god, i hate those people and i was one of them. HA! and apparently i made out with the motel guy, of which i have absolutely no recollection. oops. i usually remember kissing dudes, but that combo of being very drunk and taking a pill is lethal. the next few hours are a complete blank. next thing i knew, a group of us had made our way to the hot tub. it was perfect outside. very chilly, the the sky could not have been more clear... completely dark with a million stars surrounding us. pretty soon, the rest of the party was in the hot tub. sara stripped down to her undies, and wanna jumped in topless. HAHAHA!! yep, we were all feeling damn good. it was fantastic.
the night ended with a late night ipod session by sara. she freakin rocked it. even dj superstar logic was impressed. so so so good! chet baker, some bleepy shit, i don't quite remember what else, but it was just so good.
morning time was harsh. we all woke up real late, made a big old breakfast in the cute community kitchen. i apologized to jeffrey for my behaviour, which he said "no need. i had a GREAT time with you guys." heh.
before sunset, we made our way into the joshua tree park. holy fuck. why had i never been there before? it was like another planet. we found jumbo rocks and climbed on up to view maybe the most beautiful sunset i've ever seen in my life. we all decided that seeing that sunset only meant we were all guaranteed an excellent 2004.
more chilling that night then another trip to JT the next day for more fun exploring. i loved our group. each and every one of them. so so lovely. we all got along swimmingly. no drama. only good times. love was definitley the ruler those couple days. the place, the setting, the people, the fun. couldn't have asked for a better new year. i think i'm blessed that way. here's to good things for all of us in '04!