seriously grieving

i've been waiting a while to write here about what's been going on with me for the last week and a half. i wanted to write some profound something about what i've learned and discovered but it's a little too personal to go into it all on the internet i feel. i think i'll save those thoughts for my written journal. i think most of whoever is reading this knows anyway, but in case you don't here's what happened...
my father died friday, january 16th.

it was completely unexpected and thus, very shocking. i found out on a cell phone, while in a movie theater by myself in new york. my apartment had no heat, so i went to the movies to get warm. when i got out i had an urgent message from my mom telling me to call. when she asked where i was, i told her and she said she didn't want to tell me there. i made her tell me anyway, because i had a feeling it was bad and wanted to know. i sat there on a bench to myself on the 7th floor of the theater on 3rd ave, while the sun set over the manhattan skyline behind me as my mother told me that my father had passed away that day. tears instantly poured out of my eyes and i couldn't understand how or why. and i really didn't know what to do. i remember i just kept asking "what should i do, what should i do?" she told me i should call vicki and take a cab to her office. said i needed to be with someone. i did and vic told me to come over right away.

catching a cab seemed to take forever. it was freezing outside, but i was numb to it. no cab would come. i just stood there in the middle of 3rd, arm half raised, tears streaming down and i tried my best to hail someone, anyone. finally got one, and continued to cry. it was the most intense crying i think i may have ever experienced. big painful sobbing, blubbering, bawling all the way through the rush hour traffic up to 29th st. jessica called me on the way and i blurted out what was happening. guess the cabbie figured out why his passenger was freaking out so bad after that.

when i got to vic's office, she was amazing. i walked out of the elevator and she was waiting for me with a glass of water and an anti-anxiety pill. she hugged me and made me tea. she had a list of the plan of attack written down and had already started looking for flights. so so sweet, i couldn't believe it. i made my phone calls. first to my grandma who was so so so upset. i was trying to get answers to what had happened and it was still unsure at that point. i told my grandma that i was coming home the next day to be with her and i could tell she felt good about that. so hard to talk to her then. all i could think was that the poor woman just lost both of her sons. out-living your two children! oh god!!
then i thought of debbie (my dad's partner). she had literally just lost her sister in november! i called her next and talked to her friend that was with her. she couldn't speak to me. i just heard wailing in the background. it was horrible.

vic took me down to my apt to help me pack. then back up to her apt that had heat. jessica was meeting us there with food. when i got to her place, i had to puke. i just felt so ill. hadn't eaten much all day and then this. it was bizarre. ate a little, tried to watch a movie, then called amy who's reaction was mind-blowing. as soon as i told her she began wailing too. "oh MEGAN!" she cried. she took it so much worse than i thought she would. i think because she sensed how upset i was. that girl really is like a sister to me!

i got on the plane the next morning, thanking vic and jess profusely before i left. they were so great and were very comforting. more blubbering on the plane. interestingly enough, none of the flight staff even noticed. i thought sure i'd have to explain myself to someone, but no. seems like the only one who noticed was a the french teenager sitting across from me. i think he thought i was a real loon.

my mother picked me up and more crying. she was holding it together for me i think. but the real sadness started when i got to my dad's house where everyone had gathered. oh god, i don't even want to think about how awful that was. everyone just sobbing uncontrollably. apparently, my dad had a respitory arrest. they found him where he was taking a breathing treatment (he had more health problems than he ever told me apparently). they think he was having trouble breathing, tried the treatment and then possibly had a heart attack in the middle of that. whatever it was, it was quick and that's the only saving grace in this whole situation. that it happened fast. i know my dad would have never put up with a long drawn out death. so in a way, it is a blessing. i was just expecting him to be around a lot longer.

being the only child is another interesting aspect to this whole situation. pretty much everything has come down on me... dealing with losing my father, taking care of calling people, meeting with lawyers, making arrangements, comforting my grandma and deb, the whole thing. luckily i have an amazing support system and debbie and my mom and aunt have been great. but it's just so much logistical stuff to deal with, that you don't even think about. i mean, all you really want to do is grieve, but instead you have to write obituaries and answer his phone messages left on his machine and go to the mortuary to get death certificates and go to banks to close accounts, etc, etc. it's just too much.

over a week has passed since this has been going on and i feel like the days are just dragging. last week literally feels like one of the longest weeks ever. just completely emotionally draining. i'm feeling ok now and i can't quite decide if i'm still in denial that it's happened or if i've just been too busy to think about it. probably a little of both.

without getting too seriously into my feelings about this, it's suffice to say that i have learned something very important... that friendships mean everything and after something like this, i really really know who my true friends are. i mean people came out of nowhere, telling me the nicest things, sending their sympathies, offering to help in any way they could, or just listening. even some of my new friends in NY have been amazingly sweet, simply saying they are thinking about me. i feel honored to have such a fantastic support system and truly great people in my life. simultaneously, you learn who you don't need in your life, when they are so self absorbed, they offer you nothing. people get weird in times of death i suppose. but jesus christ. all you need to do is listen and say "i'm sorry." that's it. it's not that hard.

we had a military memorial service for my dad yesterday. another intense event. i wasn't expecting it to be so military-ish, but it honestly was nice. he finally got the recognition and honor he deserved for serving in the viet nam war. maybe i'll save that for another entry. i'm here for at least another week, so i'm sure i'll share more when i feel the urge to write.
all i know is that i miss my daddy-o terribly and can't believe i will never see him or speak to him again and that just breaks my little heart. love you na.