back to life, back to reality

sitting on the plane with my laptop. i love my laptop. best purchase i got myself in a long time. anyway, i'm on my way back to NYC. i have mixed feelings about going back. at xmas time i was so excited to get back... back to the work, to new friends, to the potential boy situations, the new still new city. but this time is very different.

the last three weeks have been totally different from anything i've known before. just a constant roller coaster of emotions. i think i remained pretty upbeat and tried to be the rock for deb and my grandma, but it was my loss too! heading back on the plane, i just think about him and tears well up. it hadn't been like that for the last few days and i think it's hitting me again now that i'm gonna be detached from everyone for the first time.

i'm pretty scared actually. of how i'll take being back in ny all by myself. i don't want to fall into a rut. i just can't deal with a serious depression for the rest of the winter. that would kill me. i'm gonna try my best to stay positive. to go out and explore as much as possible. to be with friends. to make new friends. to exercise. i must hold to these tasks or i think i'll just start to go downhill. and no one wants that.

i think the most fascinating aspect to this whole experience is the only child thing. i have no one else to share this with! and everyone is just doting on me. for example, i went to dinner last night with my grandma, debbie, my mom and aunt barb and they all just lingered on every word i uttered. constant hugs and kisses and i love you's. don't get me wrong. it's wonderful to have so much unconditional love from all these family members, but it's also a lot of pressure.

and besides dealing with emotions and feelings and being this rock for the ladies, i'm dealing with the lawyers and the banks and how we're going to care for grandma and the possessions and all if it. death is a real pain in the ass.

i miss my dad so much. i'm getting sad just thinking about it. i thought i was doing my pushing down my feelings thing for the last couple weeks (cuz i wasn't crying as much as i thought i should be), but now that i'm away, i can see i'm gonna have a rough time with it. i'm crying just thinking about it. i must have been shoving it down, because i see it surfacing now.

just gotta stay strong. i know i have it in me. i just wish i knew what it all meant, you know? that might make things easier.