in retrospect, last week was a good week.
i think i needed to make some changes and that's just what i did.
first i got a new hair do. got it colored darker and i really dig it. felt like cutting out the california i suppose.
now i feel like a real new yorker. ha! don't you just love my oh so sexy pose? i crack myself up sometimes.
last friday i went on a little shopping spree. my friend greg who works for miss sixty invited me to their sample sale where the prices were ridiculously low. and on top of being so cheap, he also got a 50% discount off those prices. and i scored!! a coat that i had been coveting, that was going for $300+ in the store, i snagged for $40!! their $175 jeans were $25!! snapped up a couple shirts, a blazer and some tights. all that for $120. amazing. i was on such a shopping high that day, it was awesome. why does shopping make you feel so damn good sometimes??
then on saturday jessica and i braved the trip to ikea in jersey. caught the free ikea bus from port authority and went a little crazy there. we wanted everything, but didn't know how the hell we were going to get it home. furniture shopping in this town is really hard if you have no means of bringing back to your place or a shit load of money to get it delivered. we ended up putting a lot back, but still ended up with 3 big bags and 4 ridiculously heavy huge boxes of do-it-yourself furniture. luckily we met a nice lady on the bus back who offered to help watch our shit while we took trips back and forth from the bus stop in port authority to the street corner where we hoped to catch a cab that would hold everything. it worked. and miraculously, we got a minivan cab!! we were amazed. in our rush to get everything out of the cab on mulberry street (tiny one way with tons of traffic that night), we forgot a bag. so pissed. it took us hours to get everything up the 5 flights of stairs. what a pain in the ass. but i have a new desk and a cabinet which will hold the TV and my stereo that my mom is sending out. YAY! a turntable!!! and good speakers!!! all very exciting stuff.
newness feels good.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
how i'm feeling
(written Feb. 13)
i'm surprisingly happy being back in new york. i'm taking it all day by day and so far, i'm feeling good. my work load is minimal right now and i'm gonna keep it that way for a bit. i realized i haven't had much time to explore the city and there is so so much to see and do. i look at the time out and there are a million things i want to check out. i don't even really know where to start.
i'm going to start taking a yoga class. maybe find an african dance class i like. get in some culture. that's what i came to NY for right? i'm paying this rent to be in this city, so why not utilize the resources the city has to offer? i refuse to slip into a funk, so i'm going to stay busy with seeing and doing hopefully.
i've seen a few friends here and there, but i've been having a lot of me time, which i needed. just having walks around the neighborhoods and such. went out last tuesday night and had a blast. movie and dinner with danny and then a club with lucy. we closed the bar. good fun. met a nice dude. etc, etc.
i do feel far from home, yes, but i know i have the support of my family to be here and to do my thing, so that's what i'm gonna do. i'll be back there in may to check in on them and to continue the logistical stuff for my dad. the timing of all of this has been very interesting. i realize that if i'd been living in LA still, things would have been completely different for me. i wouldn't have had a life at all. i'd be constantly going to fallbrook, and feeling guilty if i wasn't. this way i don't have to. i can continue my life and check in and i feel ok about it. for now. but that's the way it should be. life goes on and i plan to keep propelling forward.
i'm surprisingly happy being back in new york. i'm taking it all day by day and so far, i'm feeling good. my work load is minimal right now and i'm gonna keep it that way for a bit. i realized i haven't had much time to explore the city and there is so so much to see and do. i look at the time out and there are a million things i want to check out. i don't even really know where to start.
i'm going to start taking a yoga class. maybe find an african dance class i like. get in some culture. that's what i came to NY for right? i'm paying this rent to be in this city, so why not utilize the resources the city has to offer? i refuse to slip into a funk, so i'm going to stay busy with seeing and doing hopefully.
i've seen a few friends here and there, but i've been having a lot of me time, which i needed. just having walks around the neighborhoods and such. went out last tuesday night and had a blast. movie and dinner with danny and then a club with lucy. we closed the bar. good fun. met a nice dude. etc, etc.
i do feel far from home, yes, but i know i have the support of my family to be here and to do my thing, so that's what i'm gonna do. i'll be back there in may to check in on them and to continue the logistical stuff for my dad. the timing of all of this has been very interesting. i realize that if i'd been living in LA still, things would have been completely different for me. i wouldn't have had a life at all. i'd be constantly going to fallbrook, and feeling guilty if i wasn't. this way i don't have to. i can continue my life and check in and i feel ok about it. for now. but that's the way it should be. life goes on and i plan to keep propelling forward.
the wrap party that never was
(actually written last friday...Feb. 13)
seems like the only time i have to write these days (or the times i feel like writing) is when i'm traveling. now, it's by train, on my way back from Philly to NY. yesterday was rather comical. i was invited down to Philly for the wrap party for the Night project I've been working on and i thought why not. free train travel, free booze and food and fun people, sure! while the production office was making my travel arrangements, i got an urgent call asking if i could come down sooner as the director was having a freak-out about the re-shoots of the website stuff (the part i've been sort of consulting). i didn't have anything else that day, so i said i could come, not really knowing what they wanted or needed.
so i got the next train down and arrived around 4pm. the PA whisked me off to editorial where i was asked to watch the dailies of the website stuff. they wanted some changes made. luckily i brought my laptop and make the changes. one of the editors was a big pain in the ass and wanted it just so. ended up taking me a good 3+ hours to get it just how he wanted it to look. ugh!! then it was off to the hotel where they were shooting.
there was a very restless crew hanging out in the hallway, bitching about how late they were staying. then we got word... the wrap party had been canceled. so at that point i was basically down there to WORK and not PARTY. fuck. i have to admit, i wasn't completely upset about it. i was mildly amused at the fact that i knew exactly how the PA's felt, having worked in production so long ago (and doing plenty of that same bitching back then). and i had just seen my architect earlier this week, which i absolutely loved. you see, nathaniel kahn, the director of "my arch" (who also just happened to get an academy award nomination for best documentary) is also the director of this project. so i was kind of excited to be working with him, star-fucker that i am (and hate to admit).
the shooting of the web stuff went off without a hitch (well, nothing seriously bad happened). they seemed to get all that they needed, although i wasn't finished until 2am. jesus. but the story ends well. they felt so bad that they hooked me up with a fatty hotel room. i'm talking fat-tay. it was huge and had an amazing bathroom. it was so late, but i had to take a bath in that big squeeky clean tub. so great. watched a little cable TV in bed and had a fantastic night's sleep.
strangely enough, i woke up crying. i was dreaming about my dad. first time that has happened. it was weird, but i didn't feel bad about it. just missing him i think.
i met callum for breakfast. we ate fancy breakfast in the fancy hotel. eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes, juices, lattes, the whole bit. had a nice chat, and then it was back to the train station. what could have been a potential disaster, ended on a pretty good note. thank god.
seems like the only time i have to write these days (or the times i feel like writing) is when i'm traveling. now, it's by train, on my way back from Philly to NY. yesterday was rather comical. i was invited down to Philly for the wrap party for the Night project I've been working on and i thought why not. free train travel, free booze and food and fun people, sure! while the production office was making my travel arrangements, i got an urgent call asking if i could come down sooner as the director was having a freak-out about the re-shoots of the website stuff (the part i've been sort of consulting). i didn't have anything else that day, so i said i could come, not really knowing what they wanted or needed.
so i got the next train down and arrived around 4pm. the PA whisked me off to editorial where i was asked to watch the dailies of the website stuff. they wanted some changes made. luckily i brought my laptop and make the changes. one of the editors was a big pain in the ass and wanted it just so. ended up taking me a good 3+ hours to get it just how he wanted it to look. ugh!! then it was off to the hotel where they were shooting.
there was a very restless crew hanging out in the hallway, bitching about how late they were staying. then we got word... the wrap party had been canceled. so at that point i was basically down there to WORK and not PARTY. fuck. i have to admit, i wasn't completely upset about it. i was mildly amused at the fact that i knew exactly how the PA's felt, having worked in production so long ago (and doing plenty of that same bitching back then). and i had just seen my architect earlier this week, which i absolutely loved. you see, nathaniel kahn, the director of "my arch" (who also just happened to get an academy award nomination for best documentary) is also the director of this project. so i was kind of excited to be working with him, star-fucker that i am (and hate to admit).
the shooting of the web stuff went off without a hitch (well, nothing seriously bad happened). they seemed to get all that they needed, although i wasn't finished until 2am. jesus. but the story ends well. they felt so bad that they hooked me up with a fatty hotel room. i'm talking fat-tay. it was huge and had an amazing bathroom. it was so late, but i had to take a bath in that big squeeky clean tub. so great. watched a little cable TV in bed and had a fantastic night's sleep.
strangely enough, i woke up crying. i was dreaming about my dad. first time that has happened. it was weird, but i didn't feel bad about it. just missing him i think.
i met callum for breakfast. we ate fancy breakfast in the fancy hotel. eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes, juices, lattes, the whole bit. had a nice chat, and then it was back to the train station. what could have been a potential disaster, ended on a pretty good note. thank god.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
back to life, back to reality
sitting on the plane with my laptop. i love my laptop. best purchase i got myself in a long time. anyway, i'm on my way back to NYC. i have mixed feelings about going back. at xmas time i was so excited to get back... back to the work, to new friends, to the potential boy situations, the new still new city. but this time is very different.
the last three weeks have been totally different from anything i've known before. just a constant roller coaster of emotions. i think i remained pretty upbeat and tried to be the rock for deb and my grandma, but it was my loss too! heading back on the plane, i just think about him and tears well up. it hadn't been like that for the last few days and i think it's hitting me again now that i'm gonna be detached from everyone for the first time.
i'm pretty scared actually. of how i'll take being back in ny all by myself. i don't want to fall into a rut. i just can't deal with a serious depression for the rest of the winter. that would kill me. i'm gonna try my best to stay positive. to go out and explore as much as possible. to be with friends. to make new friends. to exercise. i must hold to these tasks or i think i'll just start to go downhill. and no one wants that.
i think the most fascinating aspect to this whole experience is the only child thing. i have no one else to share this with! and everyone is just doting on me. for example, i went to dinner last night with my grandma, debbie, my mom and aunt barb and they all just lingered on every word i uttered. constant hugs and kisses and i love you's. don't get me wrong. it's wonderful to have so much unconditional love from all these family members, but it's also a lot of pressure.
and besides dealing with emotions and feelings and being this rock for the ladies, i'm dealing with the lawyers and the banks and how we're going to care for grandma and the possessions and all if it. death is a real pain in the ass.
i miss my dad so much. i'm getting sad just thinking about it. i thought i was doing my pushing down my feelings thing for the last couple weeks (cuz i wasn't crying as much as i thought i should be), but now that i'm away, i can see i'm gonna have a rough time with it. i'm crying just thinking about it. i must have been shoving it down, because i see it surfacing now.
just gotta stay strong. i know i have it in me. i just wish i knew what it all meant, you know? that might make things easier.
the last three weeks have been totally different from anything i've known before. just a constant roller coaster of emotions. i think i remained pretty upbeat and tried to be the rock for deb and my grandma, but it was my loss too! heading back on the plane, i just think about him and tears well up. it hadn't been like that for the last few days and i think it's hitting me again now that i'm gonna be detached from everyone for the first time.
i'm pretty scared actually. of how i'll take being back in ny all by myself. i don't want to fall into a rut. i just can't deal with a serious depression for the rest of the winter. that would kill me. i'm gonna try my best to stay positive. to go out and explore as much as possible. to be with friends. to make new friends. to exercise. i must hold to these tasks or i think i'll just start to go downhill. and no one wants that.
i think the most fascinating aspect to this whole experience is the only child thing. i have no one else to share this with! and everyone is just doting on me. for example, i went to dinner last night with my grandma, debbie, my mom and aunt barb and they all just lingered on every word i uttered. constant hugs and kisses and i love you's. don't get me wrong. it's wonderful to have so much unconditional love from all these family members, but it's also a lot of pressure.
and besides dealing with emotions and feelings and being this rock for the ladies, i'm dealing with the lawyers and the banks and how we're going to care for grandma and the possessions and all if it. death is a real pain in the ass.
i miss my dad so much. i'm getting sad just thinking about it. i thought i was doing my pushing down my feelings thing for the last couple weeks (cuz i wasn't crying as much as i thought i should be), but now that i'm away, i can see i'm gonna have a rough time with it. i'm crying just thinking about it. i must have been shoving it down, because i see it surfacing now.
just gotta stay strong. i know i have it in me. i just wish i knew what it all meant, you know? that might make things easier.
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