the underground flautist and the bruised russian

it never ceases to amaze me what people will do for a buck performing their "talent" on the subway. today was mr. mustache flute man. after waiting in a ridiculously uncomfortable subway station for what seemed like hours in sweltering humidity, the train finally came. i was thoroughly excited to sit in an air conditioned zone for a good few minutes before having to go back out in the yuck. finding a seat, i settled in next to a woman reading a russian newspaper whose rump spilled over into my seat. whatever, nothing new. i just wanted to tune out the world with my ipod for those lovely 15 air conditioned minutes.

i was happily listening to some groovy cymande song when a loud screech rang out over my earphones. i looked to my left and there he was, mr. mustache flute man. usually, if someone is performing, i'm genuinely curious, pause my ipod and listen to what said performer is bringing to the table. i've seen them all... a couple mariachi dudes singing and strumming cheap crappy guitars, boom box trumpet man playing the classic ny favorites, violin lady sawing away the classical melodies, even the electric clarinet guy. and usually i'll give them some change or a buck because they are out there working the train cars, showing off their talent for a few cents here and there. and most always they've got something (either a nice voice, a funny gimmick, a bizarre instrument or an actual gift at their craft).

but mr. mustache flute man was a whole different story. he was just plain BAD. i had a feeling he was may be on his way to his flute lessons and just decided to practice on the train infront of a car full of miserable people at rush hour on a hot summer's day. this time, i didn't even have to pause the ipod, homeboy was so loud, just toot toot tooting away. he started off with a lovely rendition of "tequila" then moved into my personal favorite "puttin on the ritz" followed by "la cucaracha." each song choice got progressively worse. there were bad notes, terrible timing, and just poor tone quality overall. not that i'm a music critic, but come on.

now here is the kicker of the whole story. i was annoyed, sure. but everyone else around me wasn't really feeling him either. i saw plenty of snickers, eye rolls, even a little silent giggling. but the woman next to me with the largish rump was his least favorite fan. about half way through the tooting of "puttin on the ritz" she nudged me (pretty hard) with her elbow. i looked over and she says to me in her thick russian accent "i cannot stan zis. it is buzzingah in my ears. ohhh, my head." i look at her and give an understanding nod. then she touches her head and says "i have zee operation. this ringing all the time. and thees man. i cannot stan zis. OOOOOHHH!" this time i feel her pain and just say a comforting "yeah." then she begins riffling through her purse and pulls out an envelope of photos. she takes them out to show me... they are terrifying photographs of this woman's naked body with HUGE black, yellow, brown and blue bruises and scars (did i mention NAKED??). not something i want to be looking at, hungover at 9:30 in the morning on one of the hottest days of the summer whilst mr. mustache flute man has now transitioned into "la cucaracha."

my eyes were buldging, not knowing quite what to do or say. i think i just said "yikes." i tried desperately of what else i might be able to come up with but ultimately drew a blank. i mean what the fuck do you say to a large russian woman complaining of the buzzing in her head while she shows you images of her naked fleshy bruised body? it was one of the weirdest subway incidents to date. i should start a strange subway stories book. perhaps a video with re-inactments. too freaking trippy. there's not much more to the story than the woman putting her photos back safely in her bag, probably ready to show them to the next unassuming passenger that gets lucky enough to sit next to her. oh yeah, and mr. mustache flute man did make a round of collections after his triumphant performance (i saw 2 dollar bills in his hat as he passed by).