it's been great being back in my apartment. i love my apartment. it's cozy and it's got all my stuff. i didn't leave the place the first two days i got back. i think after all that getting around, i just wanted to stay still. back to the office job the next couple days, which were fine (kinda nice to work again too... weird?).
i've also been out the last two nights and have been having so much fun, visiting with friends. i think i was so in boyfriend world the last couple months, i kinda neglected the few friends i have here (not the best idea, but it happens). and (i hate to say it), i think i miss being on my own (yikes!). am i just destined to be solo?
when you grow up with completely independent people all around you, i think you learn from example (nurture vs. nature?). my single mom raised me. she dated one guy for a bit after she ended things with my dad, when i was five, and never really dated again. so the primary example of how to live, was this totally independent woman, raising me and making enough money to buy a house and send me to college. then there was my aunt... same thing. single woman doing it all her own. and my grandmother (their mom). same thing again. 3 strong-willed ladies fending for themselves and never needing men around. hmmm...
my dad re-married, but then separated when i was in my teens and lived on his own after that. and his mother, after her partner died, she was on her own. AND my uncle (dad's bro). single bachelor for his whole life. interesting, no? this is ALL I KNOW so it's only natural that i would migrate towards that lifestyle. i always think it's because i haven't met the right person, but maybe, just maybe, it's because after years of witnessing the elders in my life doing it all on their own, that's what i'm destined to do too. i long for companionship and then it comes to a point where i just want to do my own thing without having to call and explain that i don't want "boyfriend at the time" to be around for a while. is that selfish of me? maybe the happy medium is to find someone who is equally as independent and doesn't bug out when you turn down a dinner date.
like i said, yikes. who knows though. maybe it's just a phase and i gotta ride this out. time will tell.
Friday, August 20, 2004
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Hmm...interesting stuff! I think it's always sort of an epiphany when you start to realize that maybe what you want isn't what everyone else wants. The beaten path is so tempting ("er, everyone else wants it, I must too, right? er, I think?"), and I think it takes a lot of courage to consider the possibility that your life frame-work might deviate from what you're told is the norm.
Personally, I think you need a houseboy. Available when you need him, but then two claps from you and he scurries back to the pool house so you can get to work being the bad-ass independent woman you are! :)
I'll be curious to hear more about your reflections on the issue......
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