a lesson in humility

we met in what some might say, a fate-ish way. across the pond years ago, then reunited totally randomly last year.
i've had a crush on X for a long time. a little too long. it's actually kind of pathetic how long. it started out as innocent flirtation, then a minor hook-up, and then a big boo-boo on my part. i screwed it up. and i'll admit that. but we managed to stay friends, even though i still had a crush. it worked because we didn't see each other much (out of sight, out of mind). then i ended up in a relationship and so did he.

many months later, we simultaneously ended each relationship the same weekend. weird? i thought so. he wanted to hang out right away and i wasn't having it. i had JUST ended a relationship and needed some me time. i've come to grips with the fact that this guy is a serial monogamist (not my favorite trait in a fella, but i still couldn't help my crush). after my alone time i was ready to hang out with the crush but he got all wishy-washy and flake-ish on me. i couldn't figure it out. did he like me? didn't he? i spent way too much time obsessing over the situation and creating fantasy senarios that always ended in bliss. but alas, spending time together never came to fruition. and yet again, i tried to forget about him.

but that is not the end my friends. i saw him last week. i knew he would be at said place and told myself before going not to care. stay aloof. be strong. but at first glance, all those feelings came rushing back. i was like a freakin school girl, all giddy and stupid and fumbling with my words. what the hell? i was stronger than that, wasn't i? apparently not. my heart got all fluttery as i watched him working the room. and when he paid attention to me, forget about it. i was a ball of mush.

we ended up hanging out all night long and it was flirtation central. i thought it was on. there were others there so i couldn't get the initimate details of what his current dating situation was... i just figured since our connection seemed so strong, he was single, like me. and in my fantasy world created the following day, we were going to be together real soon.

so i waited by the phone, sure he would be calling any time now to hang out. and i waited. and WAITED. was he going back to his flakey ways? no! we got along so well the other night, it couldn't be! so i waited some more. maybe he was busy or something. UGH! the waiting game was killing me and i couldn't take it anymore. i had to act.

so i took all the strength i could (it's a general rule that i never call. i'm old fashioned that way) and picked up the phone to ask X out. i thought sure this one was in the bag. i could feel it.

ring, ring.
"hello?"
"hi, it's megan."
"oh...hey."
"what are you doing?"
"i'm in boston"
"oh! what are you doing in boston?"
"i'm visiting my girlfriend."
D'OH!!!!!!

i fumbled all over myself again. i must have been bright red in the face. that was literally the last thing i expected to hear and didn't know what to say or do. so i blurted it out.

"oh, well, heh heh, nevermind about what i was about to ask you."
"what?"
"uh, um, er... well, i've had a crush on you for a while now and i was going to ask you out. so uh, nevermind."
nervous laughter.
stupid small talk ensued (of which i completely blocked out) and all i wanted to do was get off the phone. and that's what i did.

i felt like a complete asshole. never have i put myself out there like that. i felt totally defeated at the time. but at the end of the day, i understand that it's good i said it. i got it out and feel better for it. i no longer have to supress the crush. it's out in the universe and hopefully now i can really move on.

i'll just have to avoid him at all costs.