i shouldn't be, but i am

last night i got incredibly sad.
i was sitting on alex's deck in his hammock on a beautiful spring night while he cooked dinner and sadness just crept up on me. this last week has been really strange. it seems like everyone's good stuff in their lives just turned bad and i'm not sure why. i was overwhelmed last week with phone calls from various people in my life who were all going through some heavy shit and i was there to listen. i guess i absorbed a lot of it and it came out last night. i just started weeping uncontrollably.

if i really want to assess where it all came from, i could give a blow by blow. my work life is hectic to say the least. i'm stressing hard over that. not to mention the move that's happening in a couple days. have i started packing yet? nope. my friend's and family's pain has been tough too. i'm always the go to person. and i'm happy to be that person. really. i think it just really effects me.

but let's be honest. last night was about my dad. i went to the most beautiful, incredible performance yesterday. it was danceAfrica at BAM and i'm so so glad i went. the dancing and drumming was some of the best i've ever seen. the vibe in the opera house was lovely. a real community event and you could just feel the love. the performance started with a tribute to the elders of our community who have paved the way for the younger generations. then they started reading off the names of people in the community who had passed on while the candle bearers all in white walked through the audience. if you had someone in your life you'd lost, you could call out their name. i called out "stewart hill" and it hit me hard again. i enjoyed every minute of the performance but when we came out, i just had this yucky feeling inside of me. i snapped at alex and felt physically ill.

thank god for the boy. he knew what was wrong and took me home, cooked me dinner, the whole thing. i felt better. but today is cloudy out, it's memorial day, i'm listening to some sad jazz and i just can't quite snap out of it. i guess this is how it's supposed to happen. randomly, in spurts. this sucks. i hate it. i wish i could just call him today and tell him how proud i am of his services to this fucked up country that fucked up his head.