monday blues

this weekend was hard. sure, there were some fun things happening, but i felt like i had to fake my way through them. saturday night, i ended it with alex. and i'm still not sure how i feel about the decision. i've been so wishy-washy about the whole thing. part of me really wants to work it out and still hang out with him and the other part just wants to be alone and not have to deal. but i realized that's just not fair to do to him. he's so great and understanding of all my fucked up-ness but for some reason, i just couldn't go there again with him. and i tried. i really did. the real sad part is that this is my exact same pattern. i'm sick of it, but i keep doing it!

find nice boy to go out with. hang out for a bit, then hang out all the time. fall deeply in love. then all of a sudden, fall out of love and need space desparately. end it. that's the pattern. i don't know how many times i've done this but it's been more than a few. so obviously, the problem is mine. sucks the big one cuz he was a good one too.

i'm partly scared to be all on my own now in the big city. no more comfort blanket. but just going out with someone for security sake isn't my style. shitty thing is, in the back of my head, i keep thinking i made a bad decision. i just don't know anymore.

i guess i just need some me time again to sort myself out. i've had a pretty big year: moved to NY, dad passed away, dealt with family drama, started a new relationship. jesus. i guess that's enough to make anyone crazy.

i'm going to new zealand in november. i did decide on that. the year is almost up and i have yet to reach my goal of visit one new country every year. i've also never traveled alone, so i think that will be good for me. i found a subletter for the month of november (which will cover the plane ticket) and the rest will be up to me. who knows, maybe i'll find my dream kiwi boy OR i'll discover that i did make a big mistake in my decision this weekend. but most importantly, i hope to find a little peace of mind. then when i get back, i'll be ready to kick some ass again.