last week was one of the most intensely emotional weeks i have been through in a loooong time. probably the heaviest since i learned of my father's death. it's been about 9 months since he passed and i'm just now coming to terms with it. finally letting it all out, so to speak. dealing with death is such a personal thing. everyone does it differently. i know a lot of my friends were concerned that i hadn't dealt with it yet. i just thought you get teary eyed in little bursts from time to time. and i was doing that. but i never felt that utter depression, where i couldn't eat or move or think or motivate. that's what happened last week.
so now i'm dealing with "part of the process." finally. i realized a lot to with my lag in going through this process was that i was just too preoccupied with my own life to think about it. i was in my hometown that first month dealing with the lawyers and banks and arrangements and when i got back to NY (my new home), all i wanted to do was explore the city. i wanted to go out and dance and meet people and have a merry old time... like my dad would have wanted me to do... keep on living. a month later i had a boyfriend. yet another distraction.
and let's look at the big picture now. i'm all on my own again in a city that's not so new anymore. i don't have to be thinking about what events and activities my boyfriend and i are going to be doing that weekend. the work has slowed down now so i don't have that distraction either. it's just me with my own thoughts. i have the time to think about my dad and get upset. and that's what happened last week. and was it shitty. it was the kind of depression where i just felt heavy. burdened with sadness. didn't know what to think, what to do. just had buckets of tears pouring out for what seemed like no reason. people would call and i'd just start bawling. it was kind of scary. i felt like a crazy person.
but i feel like the worst of the storm has past for now. i know it will come up it waves. but i'm just happy to know i'm dealing with the so-called healing process. who knows. like i said, everyone does it differently. if there was a method to getting over it, everyone who has experienced loss would sign up. but there's not. so we just have to deal in our own way.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
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meggie-
oh man I know this place. Not exactly- not my dad. But when Miles my best friend died I thought I would never feel alive again. It was horrible. And still to this day- almost 9 years later not a day passes that I don't think of him and wonder what advise he would give me about a given situation- or what he would scold me about- or how he could help me- or how I could help him.
It's so cruel- death. And yet so inevitable. Which is sort of what makes it even worse somehow. And the not knowing part is the WORST. why? where did he go? is he still watching out for me? does he know when I am thinking about him? will he be there when I die? will he ever know how much I loved him- really?
And it does come in waves. Sometimes small rollers- other times huge white capped knock down drag out ride able waves.
And I think all you can do is roll with them. Sometimes I think of myself as a small raft on a huge ocean just being tossed around at the mercy of the water. Sometimes I am still- other times the sun is so beautiful setting it's warm glow over me- sometimes it is totally dark- other times there is only moonlight-other times I am tumultuous, thrown around- thrashing about. But I am always moving- forward, backwards.....ALONG. Moving along.
But this much is certain- you can't fight it. Mother nature is so much stronger than us- and we are truly at her mercy- but I have to trust and faith that she will take care of me and take me home.
Cuz if I don't have that faith- I have nothing- and the alternative to not believing in something is just to unbearable.
I think it takes courage. And I think your being very brave. Which is all you can ask for. The courage to accept- give thanks- for the time you had with your dad, the things he taught you, the grace he bestowed in you- and the memories you will always have.
And he WOULD want you to keep living. And sometimes that means shutting your door and freaking out for a week. Don't ever stop doing that- because if you do you might shut the door to your heart- and that would be worse than anything you felt last week.
Just keep breathing sister. And one day, maybe we will learn to stop asking why.
I love you.
c
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